Sunday, June 03, 2007

HOW LONG SHOULD COURTSHIP LAST??

I've been sitting here for ages now trying to think of something to blog about, but my brain is not responding at the moment. Maybe it will later on, but for now its not so i decided to read the Nigerian newspapers online. I checked THE PUNCH newspaper's online site (www.punchng.com). I came across a post asking talking about how long courtship should last & they gave different stories of people wanting to get married but their families not agreeing because they felt that the courtship wasn't long enough. Here is one:

Agnes was in a fix. Having dated Steve for seven months, they agreed on a registry wedding. Agne's parents agreed because she had just turned 32 but Steve's father disagreed. He said they should wait 2 years to discover each others likes, dislikes & to understand each other well enough.
"But i've made the old man realise that we know ourselves inside out. I've spent many weekends at Steve's place; we quarelled, settled scores & understand each other well. We begged the old man and assured him of our love for each other. At a point, he said we should wait for seven more months. I was shocked because by then, i would be past my 3rd trimester. we had decided not to tell him that i was expecting Steve's baby. I was getting agitated but Steve begged me to be patient with his father, who was an Anglican priest."
"We want a registry wedding because of the pregnancy & needed to speed things up because we planned to hide this from everyone", she said.

What do you guys think?? Do you think the guys father was wrong to tell them to wait for 2 years to get to know each other better? Personally i don't think so because with the rate of divorces each year & people living an unhappy life in their homes, i think its worth having a long courtship to understand the person you are going to end up with. But i would like your opinions on this. How long should a courtship last? What about people who are in long distance relationships? Should long or short courtship apply to them? What about if the man or woman says that they can't wait long. What will you do? What if you are pregnant (as in the story above) what then will you do? Will you marry the guy quickly or wait to get to know him better even if it means you entering your "3rd trimester" (as in the story above)????

37 comments:

Vikas Yatam said...

there is no point of courtship since the girl is pregnantm, what is there to understand each other for coming next 2 or 3 years when they have taken such a huge step of getting pregnant. I think they should get married

Andy said...

A friend once told me a ideal courtship should last 3 - 5 years, I partially agreed becaus there will always be exceptions to the rules.
The main point is for the two lovebirds to know each other "real well" and be close friends, because there are times when the ropes of love would have snapped in a marriage and all that is left holding them together are the strings of friendship. Think about it.
Chidi, thanks for your post.

Ugo Daniels said...

Hmmm...a knotty one. I'll wait for it to digest, then i'll be back to make my comment, k?

Idemili said...

I think a courtship should last as long as a story. It's done when you both feel it's done.

No one can tell you when, you just have to figure it out for yourselves, hold hands, make the jump and hope for the best.

I do not think that bad marriages are synonymous with short courtships. I do see the logic behind waiting, the probability is that you will not break up or will last longer and all, but life is too short to be based on a set of numbers.

chicala said...

I'v always felt that for 2 pple in love to 'realy' understand eachother and know within themselves without any doubts that they'r meant 4 eachother, they'll need 2 hav gone thru thick and thin 2gether............................and thick and thin has a lot to do with time. Now my own time doesnt mean 7-10 yrs exactly cos thats way 2 long to me, mehn i'll get bored in btw. But 3yrs aint bad at all, especially if its well worth it eventually.

But its still confusing and not certain cos some marriages that arise from even 7-10yrs relationships end up collapsing rily bad. So i must rest my case here, lol. I still cant figure out yet which is best . But 3yrs or a bit over or even a lil less isnt a bad idea, to be on a safe side!
My own pt of view!

The Pseudo-Independent said...

Thanks for stopping but I think it should last forever and therefore will not even agree with the father.

btw: have had a change of heart and will be staying going by general consensus although ill be heading to Nigeria in a week..God bless and hope you have a great week

The Pseudo-Independent said...

I dont think there is any other way, do you?

Vera Ikeji said...

I dont think there should any particular number of days,weeks,months or years for courtship. You can get to know each other, know the basic important things, see if u can live with each other based on these basic things and decide to marry when u feel it's right. End of my story. Lol.

ijeoma obu iheoma said...

well.. there is no paticular timeline for courtship sha.. to each thier own.

Im A Babe said...

honestly i dunno. wateva works 4 u ryt? but i cringe 2 d idea of 2 pple gettin married w/o having any courtship watsoeva. i believe d longer uve known some1, d more u can tell if he/she would be ur life partner.

Nyemoni said...

I think that there's no hard and fast rule to the length of courtship... I believe everyone in a relationship has a gut feeling they should follow as perf the lenght of courtship and not allow outsiders to determine the length of their courtship...

Nyemoni said...

I think that there's no hard and fast rule to the length of courtship... I believe everyone in a relationship has a gut feeling they should follow as perf the lenght of courtship and not allow outsiders to determine the length of their courtship...

Ejura said...

I've heard of a couple who courted for eight years, got married and divored after a couple of months.I've also heard of a couple who courted for 6 months and have been together for over 15 years now. So...what can we say? It's all relative.

Pink-satin said...

the guy told to to wait for two f****g years!like seriously..Courtship is not bound by yime once u feel u know the person well enough...men u should go for it(at least thats what i think)

yankeenaijachick said...

Chidi, how u de today? Well it all depends on the situation for some couples. Love is blind and crazy as well. IT's ok to court 5 to 6 months for me but anything 2 mnonths. You just don't know the person point blank except it's made in heaven .But , l don't think so.

Naija Vixen said...

I agree with yankeenaijachick...diff strokes for diff folks and all that...I hav a cousin who dated a guy for 11 yrs (yes oh) but they decided not to get married again...they got too comfortable (their words)...

Jem said...

The length and duration of courtship depend primarily on both people involved. Both of them must have a common understanding about the relationship and duration if they are serious about getting married eventually. There are timelines that both people use to measure things like this and when timing is right, they take the plunge. As for the story above, i think the only reason they wanted to marry immediately was because the lady was pregnant.

catwalq said...

Catwalq's Policy:
1. We shall cohabite the same space for a minimum of eighteen months so I can decide whether or not I am about to launch into a 40-60 year contract( depending on our individual arrangements with God about lifespan)

The lady in question is 32 and probably sick and tired of being single/ unmarried in a culture that tends to humiliate subtly women in that position.

She has seemingly secured her position with the pregnancy (left to see if it is a boy as this is the more desirable sex; call me cynical).

I think that a long courtship is necessary to give you time to understand what both parties are willing to bring to the table and for appropriate compromise be set. Afterall, marriage is a socio-economic contract. Love just helps to make the paper work pretty.

Marrying after just seven months is something done in Vegas or in Hausa and Indian arranged marriages.

bibi said...

ok i gotta come back and read...

יש (Yosh) said...

It's high time parents stop interferring with their kids' lives. I know they have to show some concern and make sure their son is making the right decision and all that, but in the end, let the two couples chart their course in life, through marriage. The two partners should take responsibility of their actions, with less outside interference. It's a union of two people, even though some how the couples blend two different families together. External forces has been responsible for so many marriages being torn apart, at least in this part of the world.

With that said:

*How long should a courtship last?

I'd say it depends on the couples. Anything less than 5 months, to be is not right. Again, they both have to agree on how long they can wait to sort themselves out

*What about people who are in long distance relationships?

All the times spent apart "getting to know each other" in whatever means they use should afford them enough time to talk and be open with each other. Once they want a closure on their time apart, then they can also decide on a shorter physical courtship period. No hurries, but if they've spent a long time apart, then I believe there should have been so much said, it's more of pragmatism with the physical encounter, to check other quirks and compatibilities

Whatever made me get in bed with the fellow/lady in the first place to the point of getting pregnant, shouldn't stop me from wanting to settle down as the case may be, if marrying him with bulging belly would matter

Ugo Daniels said...

Damn, i saw sme peeps saying 2-3 years. Like wharraheck...mba nu, eh! How can we be courting for that long.

Personally, i can marry someone after about 10months of courtship. I believe i can get to know all about that person within that time period. Waiting for 100years to get married doesn't mean that a person that has been destined to change won't change. It only means you prolonged the 'changing' a lil bit!

Kpakpando said...

courting for 10yrs doesn't guarantee you know the other person, just as courting for 3 months doesn't mean you don't complement each other and are ready to be committed to the hard work that a lasting union takes.

there is no timeline, people have to do what is right for them

Lady A said...

If they already had plans in getting married, then they should. No need to wait...for what?

Anonymous said...

D/O/G here
time isn't on my side but
I'll add my 2 quarters later

temmy tayo said...

I don't think there are any fast rules to courtship. I have seen people date and marry afteer 6 months and still doing good. Likewise 15 years courtship and divorced 2 years after.

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Everyone Loves a Naija Girl said...

I think it depends. If your young, you can court for a couple you years. But I think as you get older, you don't need to be together as long. For example the woman is 32 and might want to get married so she can have children. Two years could be a long time for her to wait, and by then when they get married and if she can't have kids, the husband and his family might make that grounds for divorce.

diary of a G said...

@ugo don't be so curtain about that

I'll the easier way out and say It depends on your destiny which is all in the hand's of God

the real fact of the matter is

NO ONE DON'T REALLY KNOW

ANYTHING ELSE IS AN EDUCATED
GGGGGGUUUUUUEEEEESSSSSS

Diva-sta said...

i fink dey shud get married...i dont understand dat just dont get married afta 3-4 years 2gether if they are of age...personally if i was wit sum1 4 dat long n da person didnt wanna marry me den ill be like "Fuck im" cos den i would ave realised i wasted all dat time on a practicalli non-existed relationship kmt..nice blog btw xx

bibi said...

i dont think theres anythn bad..i mean talking from experiece he knows better..but then 3 yrs is too much o..choi... i dunno sha..all i know is wenever its the right time to get married..God would make it known to me...

diary of a G said...

Vote G 4 IDOL

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princess said...

I dont think there is a specific time limit to courtship. U could date a person and in one month the both of you feel like you know everything about urselves and u could still date another for 5 years and still not know anythin. I believe it depends on the 2 people involved.
Nne how far??

adumaadan - Blacktinkerbell said...

My view, there are no rules to this. It could be months and it oculd years, so long as you both get to the heart of what is important to them before they get married. Knowing that a man snores in his sleep or what he looks like first thing in the morning is certainly not as important as knowing if he expects you to quit working after you're married.

pink gloves said...

you can date a man or woman for 10 years and still not know them. And you can date them for 2 months and do. There is no fast hard rule to happiness. to each his own. Most times, gut feelings are accurate.

femme said...

i think you should date for at least 2 years. in my firrt year with HIM, we didnt quarel once. i mean not at all, we used words like MFEO alot. now we know better. when the euphoria faded our second year was terrible. good news is by the third year you should know what and how much of each other you can take.

Anonymous said...

Now I have a question, is there sex involved in courtship? I think courtship is designed to be pure. So in my opinion when involved in pure courtship time periods will be shorter because you are there for the purpose of marraige and are focusing on the person and not on the physical pleasures. If sex is involved then you may as well date for life because you have left nothing for the honeymoon anyways.