L You know, we all tell ourselves that life is too short to be unhappy, to be miserable, etc. I know i say that to myself like everyday but still i'm not doing anything different.
I remember asking my myself, what if i died today, what would i have achieved? What would i be remembered for? Would people miss me? Am i going to go to hell? Each day, i tell myself that i must change things in my life but each time, i realise i'm still doing the same thing i vowed to stop doing. If i died today, what would i have achieved? All i have ever done with my life is go to school, sleep, move from one country to another. Same thing.
I do beleive that God is keeping me alive for some reason or else i would have been dead since. I remember the first experience that i had when i almost looked death in the face was when we (i mean my family) were travelling to some state in 9ja that i don't remember at the moment. I was around 8 because i remember that my last brother was just born then. I was not sitting with my family but away from them. I don't remember why. The plane started having problems because there was bad weather. I remember people in the plane were crying & screaming. Our househelp (she was like part of our family) was clutching my brother & praying & my mother was praying. When it became too much for her, she started crying. I could not see my other sisters or dad. I remember one of the air hostess, walked up to me & buckled my seat belt & said to me, "dont worry, nothing will happen". I did not get what she was on about and i didn't understand why the plane kept shaking. I was not crying, but i was clutching my can drink with brutal force cos i didn't want it to fall cause i liked the drink. I remember, when the plane landed, everybody was clapping & couldn't wait to get off the plane. I would have died that day if not for God. My life is not worth more than the other dead people or the other ones who have died in Plane crashes like the "BELLVIEW" & "SOSOLISO" crashes in 9ja.
Another brush i had was when we came back to 9ja & i got this really bad malaria. I used to laugh because the white people treat malaria as if its cancer, but i stopped it after that. I got so sick that to get up from my bed was a very big problem & i felt as if someone was hitting m head with a hammer because of the headaches. As if that wasn't enough, i ended up being in the same room with a snake. i mean a viper. Only God knows how it entered our house talkless of getting on top of my cupboard. I never knew snakes climbed walls. If my sis did not come into the room & go near the cupbaord, only God can say what would have happenned to me. I thanked God because the snake was in the room with me (the lights were off cos it gave me more headache) for God knows how long & it didn't bite me. So you see, if the snake didn't kill me, the malaria would have killed me for sure but i'm now here blogging about it.
I look back at all this & tell myself things have to change in my life. From now on, i need to do things that i want. I'm tired of doing what everybody wants me to do & i'm tired of being unhappy. I might disappoint some people along the way, & maybe make wrong discisions along the way. But its my life. If i make mistakes, i will learn from them. We don't live life twice in this world (this is my belief) so we have to take control of our destinys. When i finally die, i want to look back at my life (wherever dead people go) & be content with myself. I don't want to be somebody who has so much and still have nothing. I want to leave the earth knowing that i am at peace with myself, that i am no more in pursuit of happiness (because i am now happy) & that i'm somebody my children would be proud of.
P.S- I'm sorry i haven't updated in a while. I started this blog in januaty & i've just had 29 posts. I need to commit more to this blog & i will. At least till i get bored of it.